ENTRY : over nd done with.

190506 today is a farking BLACK day.
it started off with a bad hair day =more results. what can i do or say, okay i'll just laugh them off ):

English : -
Chinese : 60/100 B4
Amath : 48.1/100 D7
Emath : -
Pure chem : 41.7 /100 E8
Sub PhyBio : (physics 58/100)(biology 62.4/100) 60.2/100 B4
Sub GeogSS : (geography 26/50)

it's lyk i just needed 2 more pathetic marks to pass amath ? that is super saddening lah. the rest i knew i didn't do very well because i only studied some parts.

went tamp with the usuals (: okay but i hate that place. met into some people nd all. lunched at ljs, then we had to wait for the NFFs to finish their food (after some tym) so that jaslyn can _____. after which we went off to ws again. ate macs ice cream ; yummy. then went to the library to do some reading (er magazines) until around 0705pm.

all i did was ate nd slept when home.
until i received his msg at 1131pm -
nd that was how it all ended.

should i be happy or disappointed ? i'm a pessimist. realised that i should be initiating it quite some tym alrd. yet because it's too difficult for me. i had no clue why we've distant nd drifted. can tell me was it my fault ? maybe all along he's been giving hints by not msging close to a month.

how many tyms that friends have been trying to tell me : don't think so much. give up. move on. let go. for afterall, it seems lyk i'm the only one trying hard to hold on (on the other hand was he?). i didn't know what to do alrd, nd not even know why it all ended up this way. but i was so stubborn not to listen. WHYY. at one point i thought the reason was due to my not giving in all into this relationship. but look, it turned out to be just lyk the others : it won't last long. its making me cry all over again. perhaps we were too fast tgt.

i thought it was gnna be much much better than those previous. i've tried my best to make myself trust guys again. i hoped for a miracle. yet soon enough, i'm torn apart. not only was my self-esteem affected, but so were my studies nd attitude. my heart is dead nd empty. i'm such a failure. IF ONLY SOMEONE CAN KILL ME BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE. bang me down, shoot me whatever i don't care. what am i to look forward to from now ? it's lyk as if part of me i gone.

i've decided not to go into any other relationship as for now. i need quite a while to get over it all. i'm sick nd tired too. i'd rather stick to my girls. at least we have more to share. or maybe i might even isolate myself away from people. being alone won't pull me down as much as this. everything's a misery because of problems. the state of unwanted mess.

it's the 2nd month 22nd day
hurts alot to part for now
esp when there's still feelings ;
but i'd say thanks for all those lovely tyms we had.
nd if we ever had another chance -
i most certainly would.

it was just another heartbreak.

[edit]
i can't sleep well >:(( i have many qns.
have u ever loved me at all ? do u know i've been crying all this while becos of u ? don't tell me my waiting meant nothing to u ? how long have u been wanting to give up ?
or is it because of me ? have i made u very upset ? if i did. then i would let go easily. because seeing u unhappy because of me is the last thing i want to do.
it's gnna take me along tym nd i'll try my best.
but i'm afraid to go out bcos everything would remind me of us_
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